Are you raising funds like Mr. Darcy of Pride and Prejudice?

A couple of weeks ago, I posted about a truly terrible proposal of marriage received by Elizabeth Bennet in Pride and Prejudice, and how it is like some fundraising: The kind where organizations say, “You should donate because that would be very good for us.”

Since then, I remembered something else about Pride and Prejudice: Elizabeth had the misfortune of getting a second terrible proposal, not long after that first one. This one from Mr. Darcy, a super-rich guy who seemed to dislike nearly everyone, including Elizabeth.

Until he suddenly shows up where she’s staying and, to her great surprise, says he loves her and wants to marry her. But boy does he blow it. He basically says I’m a big deal, you aren’t, and I shouldn’t marry you — but I want to anyway. Here’s part of that scene from the book, which indirectly describes what he has to say:

His sense of her inferiority — of its being a degradation — of the family obstacles which judgment had always opposed to inclination, were dwelt on with a warmth which seemed due to the consequence he was wounding, but was very unlikely to recommend his suit…. He concluded with representing to her the strength of that attachment which, in spite of all his endeavours, he had found impossible to conquer; and with expressing his hope that it would now be rewarded by her acceptance of his hand. As he said this, she could easily see that he had no doubt of a favourable answer. He spoke of apprehension and anxiety, but his countenance expressed real security.

Sometimes, fundraising is like that:

Our organization is really, really important. We do something that matters a lot, and we’re very good at it. You, donor, on the other hand, are deficient in many ways. You have few resources. You don’t really understand our work. You are insufficiently connected with our cause. You just don’t get it. But we need your money. So cough it up.

Then they wonder why “Elizabeth” says no.

Unfortunately, we see fundraising like that regularly. It’s quite popular among some in our community.

Many readers of the book wonder how Elizabeth could possibly accept Mr. Darcy, as she eventually does — and they get married. How could anyone say yes after such a self-centered, scolding, unpleasant appeal letter proposal.

In most relationship moments, things go better when you understand: It’s not all about me!

If you want to influence people and increase your connection, you need to understand their world. Why they might care. Really, What’s in it for them?

Approaching the relationship with an arrogant, me-first, “you’re a loser” approach is a quick path to failure. Whether you’re seeking marriage or a donation. Relationships go both ways.

Poor Mr. Collins was a schlub. Mr. Darcy was a jerk (There’s a better term for what he was, but I prefer not to use it here).

Don’t be either of them.

The 1995 TV miniseries of Pride and Prejudice depicts what Mr. Darcy might have actually said for his proposal. See it here on YouTube.